Thanks to the Dexamethasone I currently go through the days almost without a headache, because it reduces the swelling around the tumors. This drug is not without side effects, which can turn out differently for everyone. Fortunately, the effects it has on me are very well tolerated: less sharp vision in the distance, sometimes a hunted feeling (only physically, not mentally), sleep worse and therefore tired, chubby cheeks and an uninhibited appetite. Overcoming Obstacles.
With a wonderful, clear head and open mind I see and experience intensely the special phase in which I have now ended up. I really had no idea what such a final phase would be like and whether I would feel a struggle or confusion or desolation. Fortunately, that turns out not to be the case at all. Instead, I feel an abiding calm and wealth that overwhelms me at times. I would have liked to have lived longer and I also see that sadness in the people around me, but it is a sadness that has connection and love as main ingredients. I realize that I know a lot of wonderful people. Not a word is wrong anymore. I would have loved to contact you all, my fingers and mouth are itching to respond personally, but it’s way too much. Thanks! Shy and intensely rich, I sit on my swing whose thick, braided ropes assure me of their enormous strength every day.
I’ve never mind if I lie awake at night, because that’s usually when I gain the best learning points and insights. Over the past 50 years I have taught myself to look at my own actions in the peace and warmth of my bed from different angles. I analyze my emotions, choices and mistakes with mildness, knowing that making mistakes is part of life’s training. The next day just wanting to do your best to add something beautiful to the world is enough. Even now I think at night what, within the limitations of a dying body, I might be able to contribute with my talents and knowledge the next day. That’s a nice feeling.
Through the process that I went through with my Love, I was already aware of the fact how much dying is part of life and that there is no guarantee of getting old. And also that I have a choice in how I deal with that knowledge. Without the feeling that I still need to do something in this life, I now let myself be carried away with confidence on the wind that sometimes lifts my faltering plane for a few days and or makes it fly a little bit lower again. I look around me, can enjoy the view and do what my heart tells me with the same passion as always.
Dear people, I am doing well and that is certainly also due to your warmth that I feel in all expressions, tonalities and silences.